One Big Happy Family?

Blending families can be hard. When two people come together in marriage, usually they bring their family with them. They bring traditions, rules and beliefs. They bring relationships. So do you. How do you mesh it all together without it becoming something that looks like yucky brown Play-Doh? We know that mixing all the colors never really turns out great. But, multiple colors can be used to create something new, beautiful and artistic.

It is important for couples to talk about their family of origin's rules, traditions and beliefs. This helps create an understanding. Talk about what things you want to keep in your new family unit and what ones you are willing to sacrifice or not keep. It is important to put your new family first and make it be what you want it to be.

The word "in-laws" often brings a negative feeling for many people. We hear negative things from friends, the media and possibly we hear it from ourselves. I think this is kind of sad. I know that it can be hard to blend families, but I don't think that family should bring negative thoughts and feelings to us. I'm not saying that you have to be best friends with you in-laws, a little space can be good, but I think there always needs to be respect for others, especially family. There needs to be kindness.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Genesis 2:24). We learn from this scripture that once we marry, our spouse and posterity becomes number one. It is great to keep a positive and healthy relationship with our parents, but they do not come first. They don't need to know everything or be involved in every aspect of your marriage. Parents should give counsel and guidance to their adult children when it is sought. They need to respect their children and let them nourish and enrich their own marriages. 

I am blessed to not only have a cordial and respectful relationship with my in-laws, but I truly love them and feel that they are my family. Much of this is due to their welcome, loving arms. I chose from the beginning to love them for who they are. Are we one big happy family? YES. We have chosen to be.

Power Within Your Marriage

"Who wears the pants in your family?" Often we hear or ask this question ourselves. Sometimes it is asked as a joke and other times it isn't. I don't know about you, but my husband and I both wear pants. It would be weird if one of us didn't. The same goes with our marriage. We both have a say. We believe in equality in a marriage because this is what the Lord has taught us. A man and wife are equal partners. One doesn't walk ahead of the other. They are to walk side by side.

My husband and I have different opinions on many different things. How do we come up with a solution to a problem or a question if we have different ideas or ways of doing things? It is challenging at times. We are still learning how to work together and come up with solutions together. This can be done by counseling together. This is how the whole church is run and decisions are made. This is how we can make decisions together and share the power within our marriage. Respect and love are key to counseling together. Listening and opening your mind to your spouses ideas. If the Spirit is invited, there will be guidance given. With this guidance, the couple can be unified and come to an agreement or solution together. Everyone will get to wear their pants.


http://www.yesstyle.com/en/evolu/list.html/bpt.299_bid.314092

Two Become One

theleadershipprogram.com

Intimacy

Sexual intimacy within marriage is a gift and blessing from Heavenly Father. It has great potential to bring us happiness as a couple. Outside of marriage it is harmful and has negative consequences, while within the bonds of marriage it has great power to bring the couple closer together, increase their joy, bring children into their lives, teach communication, teach selflessness, etc. It allows us to discover one another. Through sexual relations, husband and wife can literally be "one flesh". They can become like God and procreate.

Intimacy doesn't always come easy to couples. It can be a topic of frustration and contention. It doesn't have to be and shouldn't be. It takes patience, selflessness and possibly outside help, but I believe that couples can have a fulfilling sexual relationship. I believe that one reason Heavenly Father has given us intimacy it to learn to work together and become more selfless.

 Fidelity

Fidelity is crucial to the marital relationship. Satan does all he can to cause unfaithfulness in a marriage. This can range from putting hobbies as a higher priority than your spouse to sexual infidelity. Being unfaithful isn't just having sexual relations with someone else. It can be fantasizing about someone, becoming too friendly with someone of the opposite sex, sending personal texts and emails, etc. There is a quote that I heard this week: "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence you water." How true this is. We need to water the grass on our side of the fence and our side of the fence only. President Ezra Taft Benson said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.^"  

"Charity Never Faileth"

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 

doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

I feel like this is the pinnacle of a successful marriage. Most all of our marital problems can be solved if we have charity. It is the pure love of Christ. If we truly see someone through the eyes of Christ, we will have patience with their flaws. We will have the desire to serve them, listen to them and help meet their needs and desires. We would do anything for them just as Christ has done for us. Charity does not just happen. It is something that we must strive for and ask the Lord to bless us with. We cannot get it on our own. We must beseech the Lord and ask Him to qualify us for this heavenly gift.

 

When I think about loving and being kind to my husband no matter what instead of focusing on his faults, it seems so easy and I want to do just that. Moments of weakness come though and the natural woman in me chooses to focus in on his faults. This definitely reflects my flaws. The last week I have been asking the Lord for charity. The word "charity" has constantly been on my mind. I have seen a change start to happen. I have seen growth. I am becoming more patient, more loving, less finger pointing and nagging. I think of Christ more.

He loves us so much. He doesn't remind us of our faults. He doesn't focus on our flaws, weaknesses and mistakes. Instead He has hope and belief in us. His arms are always stretched open waiting to receive us. He loves us. We too can practice this kind of love.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/category/artwork-of-jesus-christ?lang=eng&start=81&end=120&order=

Consecrate Your Performance

I like to run. I think about it and plan for it: what to wear, what to use as fuel, where to run, how far, etc. Sometimes I stress and get anxiety about my long runs. I put a lot of time into running, not only physically, but mentally as well. Do I put the same planning, thoughts and efforts into my marriage? Do I consecrate myself to it? When we are dedicated to something, we put in a lot of time, thought and effort. There are times in my marriage that I get in the flow of things and I don't put in much effort. I get comfortable. I'm not as consecrated. This is when improvement and progress do not happen. When improvement and progress don't happen, we usually digress. When I don't keep running, I lose ground and can't run as far. We need to always be dedicated to our marriage and spouse. Spending just a few more moments together each day can make a difference. Unwinding together at the end of the day can bring you together and help to unify you. My husband and I are different. He is more a morning person and I am more a night person. Because of our conflicting schedules, there are times when we don't hardly talk to each other for a week. By the weekend, we feel as though we are just "roomies" instead of husband and wife. The past week, we have tried to consecrate our time to each other. We spend 20 minutes together at the end of the day talking about what ever we feel is needed. I cannot believe the difference this is making in our marriage. It is blessing our lives. I am learning more about my husband and his dreams and goals. I am feeling more unified with him.

http://footage.framepool.com/en/shot/481111478-spoiling-massage-foot-human-boyfriend

"Be Thou Humble"

Jesus Christ is the perfect example. We can look to Him for help in all things. "Truly He taught us to love one another."

Pride: it is the universal sin. Marriage is no exception. So often pride creeps into our marriages. We start to become selfish and think more about our needs and wants rather than concerning ourselves with what our spouse desires first. We may start to focus on their weaknesses instead of looking in the mirror and recognizing our own stumbling blocks. I am guilty of this. Over time, I have become more prideful in my marriage and I didn't hardly recognize it. President Ezra Taft Benson says that "the antidote of pride is humility".

 If we are prideful though, how do we become humble? We can become humble through the same One who is the best example of humility. Jesus Christ offers the Atonement. Through the enabling power of the Atonement we can change. We can repent and we can be forgiven. We can receive the help and guidance of the Holy Ghost to help us in those moments when the natural man in us wants to choose pride over humility.

When we turn to Christ, we can do all things. If we lose ourselves in giving in our marriage and putting our spouse before us, we will find greater happiness. We WILL find ourselves.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/category/artwork-of-jesus-christ?lang=eng&start=41&end=80&order=

Turn Towards...

Turn towards your spouse. What does this mean? My understanding of "turning towards each other" is small acts of kindness. Learning to recognize the needs of each other and working to fulfill those needs will strengthen the marriage and emotional relationship. I think it means to have a soft heart. It means learning to participate in and supporting the things they enjoy. Put their needs before your own. Do the little things for them; the small acts of kindness. Listen to them. Put your phone down. Be present and in the moment with them. Try to see things through their eyes. "Cleave unto [each other] and none else." (D&C 42:22). As I have thought and pondered on this the past week, I have felt that the best way for me to turn towards my husband, is to first turn towards the Lord. I believe that when we turn towards God, we become more genuine and selfless. We become our best selves and we will turn more towards our spouse.

I Absolutely Adore You!

How often do we say or think this about our spouse? I know that I love my husband. I never doubt that, but do I admire him? Do I think about his great qualities and the things that attract me to him? This week I made a discovery. I don't nourish my admiration and fondness for my husband as much as I should.

When I was dating my husband, he was always on my mind. I loved everything, (ok, MOST everything) about him. I adored him. I couldn't stop talking about him. We all know how this goes. Then marriage happens. It's great. Then the honeymoon stage ends and real life hits, AND...most likely you still admire each other but you don't realize it as much. You don't constantly think of each other. Sometimes, you may not even really want to be around your spouse. Caring for someone and admiring them takes work. I compare it to running. You might be able to run 15 miles but if you stop running for a few months, you most likely wont just pick up where you left off and start running 15 miles again. You have to work to get your strength and condition back to where it was. The same goes with your marriage and relationships. Just as it is easier to continuously run long miles and keep what you have gained than it is to stop running for a period of time and then try to regain what you have lost, so it is with our relationships. If we are continuously thinking of the positive attributes our spouse has and what we enjoy and admire about them, our love and admiration will continue to grow and it will be something that is more natural and familiar to us. If we lose sight of the things we adore about our spouse, then it is going to take more work to focus on the positive qualities they have.

If nourish our admiration and cherish our spouse more, we will have a more fulfilling and loving relationship. I encourage you to make a list of the things you love and admire about your spouse and keep it. Read it when you need it most.

Friends First

When my husband and I met, our relationship started to grow quickly. We weren't friends for very long before our relationship moved to more of a dating status. I remember one day talking with my new "friend".  He brought up a lesson someone had taught him. He said it important to be friends first before we develop a romantic relationship, or more so a dating relationship.  We needed to have the friendship base before we started down the road of courtship. He compared it to a triangle. The tip of the triangle is a romantic relationship and the base is friendship. If we invert the triangle with the bottom being a romantic relationship, it isn't likely to be a solid relationship. An inverted triangle tends to be wobbly.

 

This has always stuck with me. Jesse soon became my best friend as we talked a lot and learned more about each other. 

Eventually the romantic relationship followed and now 6 1/2 years later, he is still my "bestest buddy" as our 5 year old calls it. I'm grateful that we developed a friendship. Now, something that I have noticed is, there are times in our marriage where our friendship isn't as strong and we have to work on it and strengthen it. We have to be reminded that we are great friends. It doesn't come as easy as it once did now that there are many other variables in our relationship, such as children and other responsibilities.

This week, in my reading of John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I was delighted to find how much emphasis Gottman puts on friendship. He says the most successful and happy marriages have a strong friendship base. Those couples are good friends.I have a great desire to become even better friends with my husband even more than I do to develop a more romantic relationship. The friendship is more important to me. I know that it is the base and the romantic part will always follow.